The Symbology Of Us
by lap-of-the-gods
Summary: Set during 5x16  Dark Side of the Moon , so contains spoilers for that ep, as well as references to earlier storylines. A look at the final scene of 5x16 from both boys' PoV. They *can* be read independently but work best together.


**The Symbology of Us**

_Sam's PoV_

As he watched his brother's hand holding his cherished amulet over the waste bin, Sam held his breath. Any second now Dean was going to turn and look over his shoulder and give Sam a tired, meaningful look; then put the necklace in his pocket. He waited, staring intently at the cord as it hovered, feeling his heart rate speed up in anticipation of upward movement. There was no way that Dean would let it drop - not after everything they'd been through. It held far too much significance for them, and although Dean was hot headed, he wouldn't do that to Sam – to _them_.

Sam remembered the Christmas he gave Dean the amulet, as though it was yesterday. Since then, in Sam's mind, it was as much a part of Dean as his leather jacket, his guns, his mullet rock collection and his 'give 'em hell attitude'. He could only recall three times when Dean hadn't worn it, and each time it lead to pain and suffering.

The first was after the car accident, when Sam clutched the amulet in his hands while he sat at Dean's bedside; hoping that _somehow_, if he held on to it tightly enough, Dean would hold on too. In their line of work superstitions often held the most power, and Sam was sure going to hang onto Dean whatever way he could.

The second time was when Dean went to Hell, and Sam wore the necklace _for_ Dean. He'd lost everything that mattered to him, and as long as the amulet lay on his skin, he knew that a part of Dean would always be with him, visible to the outside world. It looked wrong on him, it _felt_ wrong on him, but he swore that it would have to be taken from his cold, dead body before he would part with. Then of course, Dean came back to him, and Sam willingly handed it over to it's rightful owner. The emotions bubbling up inside of him at the look of appreciation on Dean's face as he took it and put it back where it belonged, made Sam's heart ache. It took every ounce of strength for Sam not to reach out and lay his hand across Dean's chest so he could feel Dean's heartbeat through the amulet; the two things now synonymous in Sam's mind.

The third time, Sam watched as Dean reluctantly took it off and handed it over to Castiel. The previous times it left Dean's body, the amulet had been removed _from_ Dean, he'd never taken it off himself. For a moment, he thought Dean might actually say no, it was staying where it was – where it _belonged_ – and the imploring way Dean asked the angel not to lose it, filled Sam with both warmth and sadness. Yet again, Dean was sacrificing something of his own for the good of other people. Even after everything that had happened in the last few months, the amulet clearly still meant the world to Dean, which meant that deep down, Sam still did too.

The longer Sam held his breath, the harder and louder his heart was beating. He took a quick breath and opened his mouth to speak, intending to tell Dean to stop; only to snap it shut again as his brother released his grip on the cord. If it wasn't for the fact they were alone, Sam would swear that someone had punched him in the chest. He could feel the short, sharp blow taking his breath away as he watched the amulet fall. He heard the dull sound of it hitting the bottom of the bin, and he swayed on the spot. He couldn't move or speak as he watched Dean walk out of the door.

They'd never spoken about how symbolic the amulet was to their relationship, but both brothers felt it. Each of them certain that the other knew, in a way no words could explain, that it connected them in ways no-one else could possibly comprehend.

As Sam left the motel room, he felt like a piece of his soul had dropped into the bin along with the amulet. He fought so hard to swallow down the lump in his throat that it actually hurt. He said nothing because right now, there were no words, no anger, only numbness and loss. He stared out of the car window and prayed that his brother didn't see the silent tears that rolled down his face.

_Dean's PoV_

As Dean held his beloved amulet over the waste bin, his mind raced. There was a war raging inside of him. He was tired, _so damn tired_, of everything - including the weight of keeping up appearances for Sam, Bobby and Cas. He knew he was doing a poor job of that now, but he had to keep trying. He'd put what little faith he had left in God, desperately hoping that no-one else would have to sacrifice any more. It's not like he hadn't given up enough, he'd spent his life sacrificing things for other people, and especially for Sam.

He could feel Sam watching him and knew he was probably waiting for Dean to look back over his shoulder, see the horrified look on his little brother's face and put the amulet away. He knew that was probably what he _should_ do, but he just couldn't.

Dean remembered the Christmas Sam gave him the amulet, as though it was yesterday. The disappointment on the kid's face was clear when the presents Dean had stolen turned out to be for a girl, but Sam knew that his brother had done the best he could. He'd tried to give some semblance of a normality that Dean himself never had. Although it was meant for John, Sam had no issue giving the necklace to his brother instead; after all, Dean hadn't intentionally lied to him or let him down. With that innocent gesture, Sam effectively chose Dean over their father; and though he didn't think it was possible, it made him love Sam even more.

Dean thought of the times he'd been without the amulet – the fact that each time it had lead to pain and suffering wasn't lost on him.

The first time, he lost his father, and another piece of Dean's heart died with him.

The second time, he went to Hell. When he came back, the fact that Sam had obviously worn the amulet all the time was gone, brought a rush of emotions, again making him love Sam more than he thought possible. When he put it back around his neck, it felt like he was home.

The third time, he had to take it off and hand it over to Cas. He'd joked that he felt naked, but inside he knew it was true – he felt like he was leaving himself exposed. It tore him up inside to part with it, and he cursed himself for his inner chick flick moment, but it was important to him damn it! His heart raced and he felt a sense of loss even before Cas closed his hand around it. He only hoped that his plea for Cas not to lose it was understood by everyone in the room, especially Sam.

Joshua was only partly right about him being empty inside. Dean knew was the master of denial and pushing down his feelings, but even he had to admit – if only to himself – that as empty, as _numb_ as he was, he could still feel pain – and love. He loved his brother with his entire being, but this time Dean _had_ to be selfish. For once in his life he had to take something for himself, even though it would hurt Sam badly. He didn't _want_ to hurt him, by default Sam's pain was his pain too; but the enormity of the situation was too much.

For once, he deserved to do something for himself. The amulet had taken on an additional meaning now, and right at that moment it signified disappointment, failure and lost hope. He knew that no matter what he told himself – or Sam – if he was to put it back on, he would be a hypocrite. He had enough weight on his shoulders, and he couldn't bear to inflict any more on himself.

He was vaguely aware of the cord slipping through his fingers. As it fell, Dean felt a pain in his chest as though someone had punched him. Through the blood pounding in his ears, he heard a distant sounding thud as it hit the bottom of the bin, and he scoffed at the irony of it all.

They'd never spoken about how symbolic the amulet was to their relationship, but both brothers felt it. Each of them certain that the other knew, in a way no words could explain, that it connected them in ways no-one else could possibly comprehend.

As Dean left the motel room, he felt like a piece of his soul had dropped into the bin along with the amulet. He fought so hard to swallow down the lump in his throat that it actually hurt. He said nothing because right now, there were no words, no anger, only numbness and loss. He stared out of the car window and prayed that his brother didn't see the silent tears that rolled down his face.

*** FIN ***


End file.
